I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
You Might Also Like
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Lmfaoooooo
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
when revenge coincides with naptime
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day