Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
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What kind of a cult is this?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Mood.. 😂
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head