[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
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Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
kids play hide and seek like
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*