Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
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I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
War & Peace
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
The honesty is refreshing
just witnessed a drug deal
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.