Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
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If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Not all heroes wear capes…
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”