Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
This will never not be funny 😭
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex