Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
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If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*