Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
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Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
For the ones in the back.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!