For the ones in the back.
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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.