Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
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Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.