“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
You Might Also Like
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
peak technology
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.