My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
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In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.