Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
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This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.