*updates tinder bio*
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Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
*gets down on one knee*
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time