I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
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when dads have a rap battle
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
#catsoftwitter
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good