Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
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Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*