Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
You Might Also Like
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list