@fro_vo

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

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@SteveKoehler22

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

@Marlebean

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

@pixelatedboat

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

@TheBoydP

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

@sweetg35

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

@iamburtjarvis

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

@MonkeysMarch

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

@SarahArcherM

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

@LarrysTwin99

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

@DairylandDon

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.