going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
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Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
The Others (2001)
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”