Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
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I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal