It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
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FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Fiction has to make sense.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
“Sheer Arrogance”
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it