Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
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Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
based al yankovic
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked