some cats are just doing for fun!
You Might Also Like
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
definitely did not do anything wrong
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry