I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
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Best table by far
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self