I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
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All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
🤣
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.