Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
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What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope