them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
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“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.