I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
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Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
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