People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
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Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Lmao
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula