“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
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[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
me when i see my girls butt
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me