I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
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I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Going into Monday like
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.