Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
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Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them