My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
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Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.