*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
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Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.