I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
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$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.