I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
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“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
This is I, Robot all over again
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.