My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
You Might Also Like
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!