I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
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BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I just love that new Pope smell.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Ah..makes sense now
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.