Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
You Might Also Like
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.