Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
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Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
just gave your address to some spiders
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant