@karanbirtinna

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

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@ch000ch

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

@timdonakowski

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

@sucittaM

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

@TomItUp

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

@kelkulus

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

@noog

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

@timdonakowski

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

@ristolable

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.