describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
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Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
*puts finger over your lips*
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”