@karanbirtinna

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

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@ryan_the_manns

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

@curt_uzi

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

@Mirimade

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

@Reverend_Scott

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

@KeetPotato

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

@Kori_Okie

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

@AimeeHelene1

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

@MomofTeen

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

@sarahyehia82

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

@ka_waltz

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”