@karanbirtinna
@ryan_the_manns describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
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@ryan_the_manns 
@curt_uzi Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
@Mirimade Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
@Reverend_Scott Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
@KeetPotato drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
@Kori_Okie I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
@AimeeHelene1 *puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
@MomofTeen 40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
@sarahyehia82 I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
@ka_waltz my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”