Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
You Might Also Like
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.