Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

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describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys


Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him


Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.


Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.


drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”


I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.


*puts finger over your lips*


*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*



My measurements?
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.


I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.


my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”