No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
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Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.