That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
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Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
The Others (2001)
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
shampoo implies shampee