Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep