That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
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I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
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Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Breaking news:
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Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
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Holy shit he’s back
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The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.