I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
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me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Need this in my life lol