*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
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Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*