Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA![]()
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My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
My inexpensive home security system…
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My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
The answer is funnier than the question
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interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.