Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

thanksgiving in nutshell

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together