My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
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please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
this post was so formative to me
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something