I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
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Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
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My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Finally
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Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.