Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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Breaking news:
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
My background check bounced.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?