My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
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My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.